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No Thanks

How I learnt to accept my life as it is after being disabled, chronically ill and now with cancer. First I decided to get over the fact that I couldn’t work anymore. I wasn’t so bothered about the disability but the fact I couldn’t work anymore really got to me. I was so bothered about it it took 4 years to get over not being able to work.

Before disability I was the only one in my family that done any exercise or took care of their health! I was the one that was always busy and found it hard to relax and wind down. I already had a life long illness when I got another.

From then on I was disabled and couldn’t even hope I’d get to work again one day. At first I was so depressed because I couldn’t go out and barely saw anyone. All my friends disappeared when I couldn’t be active anymore. Which taught me they weren’t as good friends as I thought. I got over this fairly quickly but not being able to work niggled at me. I felt guilty for not being able to work. I used to wonder how I could make myself well enough to be able to work again.

woman standing in the sunset

Those first few years after being disabled were the hardest. At 4 years after being disabled I got so fed up of being stressed about not being able to work that I decided not to worry about it anymore. After a few months I felt a lot better about never being able to work again.

I decided to try and enjoy the limited life I had.

Over the years I learnt that being disabled doesn’t change what you can do in your life it just changes how you do things. I’ve always wanted to write but felt it was to hard to do and that no publisher would accept anything I’ve written. Then I thought that no one would by a book of a new unknown author. All I did was look for reasons I couldn’t and for the next 15 years I lived a very unfulfilling life...until now.

I’ve now decided, after getting cancer, to start writing anything that comes to mind. I’ve now decided not to follow everyone else around me as that’s just held me back. The one thing I’ve learnt from life is that it doesn’t matter what happens to you if you learn from it and use it to make your life better. I've had a very hard life and really don’t want my life to be as expected after what I’ve been through.

So I’ve decided to start what I’ve always wanted to do and that’s write a book. I’ve gone around in life not telling people about my dreams because I knew their reaction would make me put it off for even longer. Now I’m not going to worry what they think.

woman holding a flower

When I was diagnosed with cancer I didn’t react with worry like most people do. I reacted by realising I want the best in my life and was prepared to get it whatever it took. I decided that if I was told it was terminal I wanted to think to myself that I was successful on my own terms.

Cancer has taught me a lot. Mostly that I WANT to live my disabled and bedridden life. I’ve only recently found the courage to try to achieve my dreams. I’m starting really small due to limitations of my disability but all small things build up to something big. I’ve recently tried meditation and goal setting, things I’ve never done before and I feel so much better for trying things I avoided.

To live a life of avoidance is to live one of regret because your putting a negative opinion out which stops you living your life. Recently since getting cancer I realise that I deserve the best in life. I’ve only just realised that I’m loveable and that I shouldn’t settle for a relationship that’s not good for me. The cancer made me understand that I’ve always deserved real love. I look at some people and think they’re good enough for me but realised for the first time recently that I need to be with someone just like me.

road in the sunlight

I've always thought that I couldn’t improve my life because I’m disabled but I know realise I can improve it in a different way. I may not be able to move from my bed or chair but that doesn’t mean I can’t use the little energy I have to improve my world.

I’m going to go out there theoretically and learn how to write a book. It took facing potential death to wake me up to how good my life can be. I appreciate the lessons cancer has taught me. Without it I may never have learnt to live my life for I believe everything happens for a reason.

I think I’ve found that reason now and that's for me to realise I do deserve to be happy.

I now see my life with only physical limitations. I can write in bed even if it’s a paragraph at a time. I want to succeed, but this time I will do it. No more being scared of the future. Cancer is often the hardest thing people go through. But the way I see it, feeling negative with cancer will only make you feel worse.

So for now I’m going to hope for a better life and believe that I will one day get everything I deserve.


Tracey KeenanAbout Tracey Keenan
I'm hoping to inspire others with my stories based on my real life experiences. I'm disabled, housebound and have breast cancer. I also have other physical and mental health problems. I try to live as positively as possible and hope to pass the message on that you can survive anything.